high school. just like in the movies.

damn. damn.

damn.

you know, i wonder if my cursing ever pisses people off sometimes?

i'm just looking for a little inspiration right now.

why does it feel like i've lost my worlds?

like i've lost all my words that i used to write beautiful things with?

like i've lost the eyes that used to see beautiful things?

like i've lost the pretty, plainness of my black converse, only to replace it with things that aren't quite as... mine?

like i've lost that "beautiful" singing voice, that used to echo like an angel's?

like i've lost everything?

what is beautiful? and how do i get it back?

my voice just hurts

and cracks

and it makes me cry.

my body isn't beautiful,

slight and slim,

cute and graceful

shall i not go into more detail?

please?

god.

what do i even know about god? who is god?

where is god?

help me.

do i want to be in high school yet?

not really.

do i want to grow up?

never.

just

fuck

this

life.

really.

i forgot what i was writing about.

let's just make this a rant.

speaking of, you know what pisses me off?

"Dani... are you okay? you just seem a little... angry."

no shit. really.

but i'm not fucking angry.

i just want to curse even though i have no fucking reason.

i just want to fucking post lyrics into our IMimg conversation.

i just want to fucking lash out.

why this all the sudden? why am i just "not fucking okay"?

why the eff - word so much? ugh forget it- FUCK.

why isn't my anger and hate inverted? it's so much easier to bear.

i hate hating the world

and not myself.

but i have no weapons-

attack me if thou must.

sweet dreams.

an upside down home

i can now say

my life's been thrown

i'm not sure what's really home

i've thought about things beyond my norm

i've looked at my skin-and-bones body and thought i was too big

i've wanted to kiss someone, just to make them feel better

i have a twin sister (but not really)

i've laughed at a joke about someone everyone loves

i've been told i'm pretty by someone i don't know well

i've seen girls put on makeup, even though they're beautiful without

i've been listened to by boys with green eyes

i've met a real genius (or two)

i've sang badly in front of a large group of people

i've had a love affair... with film photography

i've fallen in love with a film camera (and black+white film)

i've taken portraits in a studio... with lights!

i've ironed in heaven

i've been burned by an iron in heaven

i've been to heaven

i've known an inside joke

i've almost had a dream come true

i've seen a camp show better than broadway

i've kept a journal for a long period of time (almost)

i've been free, confident, and beautiful

i've worn eyeliner on my cheeks

i've been truly afraid of something, someplace

i've been happy

i've been jealous

i've introduced a friend into a new world

i've looked at the stars every night

i've thought about love

i've gotten real good advice, but as a new perspective

i've been patted on the head

i've made new friends without realizing it

i've made mistakes

i've felt truly embarrassed for the first time ever for slipping

i've seen people play with fire

i've hung from the rafters

i've cried

i've laughed until it hurt

i've dressed like a boy

i've worn jeans in july (and august!)

i've splashed in puddles

i've been fascinated by my deodorant

i've had crushes when i wasn't supposed to

i've been alive, and felt it

i've wanted to stay another session

it wasn't my choice to leave

i've saved more than three daddy long-legs

i understand ladybugs more

i've eaten less than i ever have, and it was great

i've been supported through new trials and errors

i don't know if i like my life at "home", here

a piece of my heart is missing

i just really wish i was at french woods again

and i can now say that i'm braver, i'm stronger, and i'm more confident than i was before. and i don't know if i'll ever feel the same way ever again in my life.

sweet dreams.

matters of life and death

i realize something now.

you know

i could have killed someone.

when i was alone

when i was scared

when i was scarred

when my teeth were bared

i could have killed someone.

when my cuts started to fade

when i never seemed to bruise

when i hit myself but it never mattered

when i always lost the battle

it was never me.

all along

when i haven't succeeded

i was just killing someone else

and i haven't even bleeded.

all i could ever do is writhe in discomfort.

there is something that i'm missing,

but i can't figure it out.

sweet dreams

summer.

yeah,

it was that quick.

i am now an unofficial ninth grader.

yup- the kids everybody hates in the high school.

tiny, scared, and overconfident.

overconfidence shouldn't really be a problem for me.

i'm caught up in a bunch of places.

i am ninety pounds.

i mean, honestly, that really shouldn't bother me.

but i'm still the same height.

4'11

i keep lying about how much i weigh-

"Oh, maybe 85 1/2 pounds?"

lie.

i'm embarrassed.

and i hate myself for it.

hate, hate myself for it.

it makes me beat myself up.

"Oh, you're so stupid, you little fat ass! nobody likes you!"

i've started trying to go on the treadmill.

"Oh, you're such a dumbass! nobody likes you, huh?"

i have to stop this here. even the memory makes me bite my tounge in hatred.

when i screw up ever so slightly, i hit myself.

i bite my arms.

i do everything i can, but i'm still nothing but a fat, weak, little fucked up bitch.

and i can't change a thing.

i can't change a thing about thighs that jiggle, my layer of fat on my tummy.

my lower legs, no clue what they're called, that used to be skinny, lean, strong.

now, all they are is a reminder of how much i hate myself, just as much fat on them as anywhere else.

my arms.

my neck.

my everywhere, covered in neglect.

and i hit,

i scratch, pull, bite.

and none of it is ever going away.

so i tried walking on the treadmill

for an hour or more "everyday"!

and while my parents think i'm looking at the time,

really

i'm just staring at the calories burned.

and it'll never be enough.

ever.

so speaking of how ugly and stupid and bitchy i am, guess which bitch doesn't deserve to have a boyfriend?

so i broke up with him.

i couldn't take it.

it was like that song, the one by John Meyer, "Half of my Heart".

i could only love him with half of my heart.

some days, i couldn't love him more.

others, i could barely even stand to be in a room with him.

all this twisted emotion, none of which i'm even supposed to have at this age.

i'm fourteen years old, for crying out loud!

but then there's another part to it.

i thought i could like him more if we weren't together. humans always want what they don't have, or can't get.

but it was the can't get part he couldn't do.

he says he couldn't hurt me.

i wish he could.

he

was the only one who read my journal all the way through.

was the only one who read the inside of my locker, filled to the brim with "love notes!" the little residue that part of my brain likes to leave for me- the things that tell me to hate myself daily.

he was the only one who seemed to actually care, in the way that i had always wanted.

but romeo and juliet has the same ending every time.

and i can't even care

because this time

i just hate myself

with such a passion

that i can never feel love

i can only hate

and i can only

keep hating.

i wish i had a way to

i can't take this anymore

i know i'm just motherfucking idiot

why don't i just die? huh? huh?

that's what my head says to me.

i can't get it out.

if only i could have just kept cutting.

then everything would have been okay.

now

i don't even know if cutting would help.

i am beyond repair.

that's why i should jump off a cliff

but i know

that i'd always be too scared.

and even if i did

i'd probably still live, with my luck.

because i will always fail.

always.

let's focus on something better.

someone more beautiful.

the photo above is my gorgeous friend, Alana, who has these AMAZING irises.

they're so cool - all multicolored and pretty.

green, hazel, brown, blue, all speckled in.

really, really cool ^^

so

um

wherever you are

do not call 911 on me.

i know i can't hurt myself.

even when i try.

i am too weak to do a thing.

so

sweet dreams

I Heart Faces - "Celebrating Teens"

this is my entry for I Heart Faces' photo thingy ^^ the theme was teenagers.this is my friend (for our safety purposes, i won't actually write his name - i mean, we're still teens xP), who was 13 when we took this. i really like the winter lighting on his face and stuff... one of my favorite pictures ^^sweet dreams

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

i really have to work on timing for this. ugh.

i know i've become super lazy, posting once or twice a month.

but this time i do have an excuse!

cue jaws music, because here comes...

THE END OF THE YEAR.

DUN DUN DUN.

yeah. so it shouldn't be THAT big a deal, right?

well...

i don't know.

for me,

it always is.

a couple weeks ago, i had a... erm... breakdown.

only this time it wasn't all in my head.

i let fly far too many emotions

i let fly far too many secrets

and they sent me

someplace.

but i didn't stay there.

and then there were finals, and two projects due next friday.

but still, i guess that's not what gets to me.

what really hit me was my fourteenth birthday, exactly one week ago.

i don't want to get older! it just doesn't seem possible. nothing ever seems possible.

the promise is having less and less of a hold on me with each coming day

but someone else is.

i can't say who.

there are just so many things that i had to do it- i had to.

i know i had to.

when i can't cut my skin

i've cut my hair.

that's right.

i now have my cute little bangs back. more importantly, i can actually see now.

otherwise, i was getting terrible headaches, which made my problems, built up to exploding/imploding levels by my anxiety, seem even more impossible to take down.

so i guess that's good, right?

and then there's love.

you never quite know what it is till you get scared that he tried to jump off a cliff.

thank god he didn't-

thank god neither of us did.

i guess i know how it feels now

that's why i shouldn't try anything.

and you know what? i don't think i will.

i won't if he doesn't.

so we never will.

no more happy daggers, or thus i die with a kiss

no more bottles of poison, so nothing left on his lips.

maybe Taylor Swift was right, and maybe i was wrong

Romeo and Juliet had a happy ending after all.

... that was a random little rhyme.

kinda weird, but okay... 0.0

everything is changing so fast-

but then again, it never hasn't been that way.

there's nothing i can do

but go with it

and fight with it.

but maybe

it'll all be okay.

i hope it will.

sweet dreams

one, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more

i haven't said anything here in such a long time.

and yet

so much has happened.

remember the sweet pleasure i told you about?

they found the cuts.

that's right, i was cutting myself.

it was

amazing.

it gave me a way to finally, FINALLY, leek out my brain from my body.

AND THE BLOOD WAS BEAUTIFUL.

so much has changed.

they made me tell them

so i did.

they made me cry

and i did.

it hurt

and i wished i could have never stopped.

they took my razors.

one

two

three

four

tell that you love me more

i have that song stuck in my head.

another thing happened.

guess which ugly bitch has a boyfriend? again?

yep. me.

only this time

is it actual, real love?

i don't understand it yet.

i wish i could, but i can't... quite... get it.

but each time i'm with him...

...

....

.....

....

...

*sighs*

i can't explain it.

either i'm extremely horny in a non-sexual way

or i really do love him.

...

everything is so different in a way.

everything is still the same.

but here i am.

what am i?

sweet dreams